Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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