i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You can't motorboat a personality
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize