Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
