I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize