Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His hands were made for my vagina.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
