Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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