He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize