I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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