I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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