god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
