i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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