i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
