capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
