I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
