hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
