Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
