I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Congratulations! We have a period
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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