There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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