she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
