so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
