I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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