Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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