i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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