i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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