i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize