We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
