FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
