He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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