sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
