What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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