either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
