do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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