this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
