it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
