If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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