just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
