I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just found a bag of teeth...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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