i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
