i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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