Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
