That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
