who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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