When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
