I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
well most of my day revolves around power hour
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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