i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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