Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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