Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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