dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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