His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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