Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize