I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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