You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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