when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
