ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
