i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
