sorry about calling you the devil all night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
