I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A+ Viking dick
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize