Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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