apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
