I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Randomize
