The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
