ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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