I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
