I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
