4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We're facebook friends in real life
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We need to get me chipped asap
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
